Battling Resentment and finding rest on valentine’s day
If you’re active on social media, you’ve probably seen the “Instagram v. Reality” trend of comparing a carefully curated photo with a relative dumpster fire next to it, displaying the difference between our real lives and what we show on Instagram. Today, I’m want to talk about a slightly different comparison: Hallmark v. Reality.
If love is the Hallmark emotion associated with Valentine’s Day, resentment is more often the reality. How many of us have walked into February 15th thinking, “Wow, my partner really made me feel seen, known, and loved, and totally remembered that I don’t like chocolate truffles but love peanut M&M’s.”
Not many, I’m guessing.
So how do we combat resentment on a day that’s suppose to be all about love? And what about all the other days, too?
The other day, a friend asked me a question that got me thinking about rest, resentment, and how to feel the love.
“Do you resent your husband when you do things to take care of him and he doesn’t notice?” (Feel free to swap this to whatever applies to you… like, “do you resent your girlfriend when you get her flowers for Valentine’s Day and she doesn’t get you anything?” Or, “do you wish your husband would notice that you get up with the baby every night while he sleeps soundly?” etc.)
I thought for a beat.
“Only if I don’t feel taken care of,” I realized. “And once I realized that I have the ability to make sure I feel taken care of, a lot of my resentment has gone away.
But it hasn’t always been that way.
How many of us have felt burdened and frustrated when our spouses, our children, or our friends don’t seem to notice the effort we put in to make their lives better?
Maybe it’s the never-ending pile of laundry. In the time it takes you to contribute two pairs of underwear and a t-shirt, the other people in your household have dirtied enough clothes to outfit a small army.
Maybe it’s meals. When you’re on dinner duty, it’s a three-course meal with wine pairings, but when you ask for help getting a meal on the table, you sit down to dinosaur chicken nuggets and leftover takeout sauce packets.
Maybe it’s the mental burden of raising children. You feel like you can’t take a “sick day” because if you did, there would not be one other person on this earth who knows your kid’s sports schedule, dietary restrictions, preschool Valentine’s itinerary, or homework routine.
Typical daily activities start wearing us down when we feel like our whole home ecosystem would come to a screeching halt if we abandoned our to-do list for one day, one hour, or even one minute.
And we were never made to function this way.
In Genesis 1, God creates and orders his world until, at the end of the six days, he rests. We are not given each minute detail of this creation process-- there is much left out, which leads us to question, if the entire bible is sharing God’s redemptive story with us, what does this scripture teach us about the character of God?
Almost more than anything, the aspect of God’s character that is illuminated by Genesis 1 is his ardent love and wholehearted approval of his creation-- before we’ve done a single productive thing.
Over and over throughout chapter one, we read this repeated phrase “And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the ____ day.”
First, God creates, he works, he forms. Then he calls his work good. Finally, his work is recapped, “there was evening, and there was morning.”
While we tend to think of days beginning at dawn and ending at dusk, it’s significant to me that, as in the Jewish tradition, God’s days begin in the evening.
As I read these words days one through six, I’m struck by the idea that inherent in the way God orders the ebb and flow of his schedule is that rest should be the first item on our agenda.
Not a 5am run (although running is great, or so I hear. Just check out our New Year, New Goals post from last month.)
Not getting dinner in the crock pot.
Not deep cleaning the bathroom.
Rest. He asks us to begin with rest.
We don’t have to earn it. It is our inheritance as God’s precious creation, His own children.
For the past few months, I’ve been inviting this God-ordained rest into my own schedule, and I’ve been surprised by three things.
I have more help than I realized
When my husband comes home from work and offers to take the kids on a walk while I work or sleep or watch TV, I now say, “yes, thank you! Go away.” In the past, mom guilt or deference for my husband’s schedule or a martyr mentality would have kept me from accepting these pockets of rest, but now I say yes early and often.
When I allow him to help, not only does he get fueled by time with the kids, I am reminded that he is incredibly capable and, although he may not parent the same way I do or be as attuned to their daily schedule, that’s a good thing! And I’m reminded that God is in control, not me, and that I have opportunities every day to actively relinquish control to Him and the people He has put in my life.
2. Some things don’t matter
When I prioritize rest, I realize how little some things matter. If I’m having people over for dinner and the bathroom attached to my bedroom, the bathroom they’re least likely to use, isn’t clean, literally nothing will happen. No one will know. And it has no bearing on my worth. Groundbreaking.
If I run an errand on Wednesday instead of Tuesday, the errand still gets done and life goes on.
If I go to bed at 9pm, before I fold that load of laundry, life will go on. I will be better prepared to endure the complaining that occurs when that favorite shirt isn’t folded or that dress is a little wrinkly than I would be if I stayed up and “pushed through.
God told me that rest matters more.
And I’m far more equipped to tackle the big things and stop sweating the small stuff when I’m rested.
3. I have an abundance of love for my people
When I give myself responsibility for my entire world, a job best left to my heavenly Father who cares for the lilies of the field, the birds of the sky, and me, it’s really hard to love my people.
I start seeing them as love leeches who take my energy, my patience, and my youth and leave me a hollow shell of a person.
But when I realize that I can give myself permission to…
Take a shower
Wear pants that button
Go for a walk alone
Buy a new plant
Go for coffee with a friend
Visit my sister kid-free
The intentional rhythms of rest remind me that God calls me good at the start of his day, in the evening, when I’m sleeping and have accomplished nothing. That loving mercy overwhelms me and enables me to pour that love out on my people-- not in my own strength, but in His.
Resentment will rob you of gratitude, and neglect is a direct path straight to it. And if you’re stuck in resentment, anger, and burnout, know that I’ve been there.
And if you’re waiting for permission to share your burden, care for your needs, and find pockets of rest in your day, this is it.
You don’t need to earn it. Your belovedness is secure. I hope you can live and love and rest in that knowledge today and every day.
If you need help building love into your life, your parenting, or your relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule an appointment with a counselor today. What a beautiful way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.